I’m always an over-expector of myself. I know expector is not a real word but I am a person who expects a great deal of herself. Everything I plan to do, I feel I must do it within my expected amount of time. If I do not complete it, I feel as worthless as a person who lays on the couch sleeping. I often leave the office feeling this way and as unintentional as I’d like it to be, I seemingly can’t help it. Growing up, I was taught to complete one task at a time and do it well so I wouldn’t have to do it again. But now as an adult, multi-tasking is a skill that most must manage and while I can do it as well as another, I find myself wanting to expect all of it to be complete by the time I leave. It’s not going to happen because some of the information relies on another to complete before I can do my part but still, I expect to complete it.
Often times, I’m expecting efficacy of myself. I know I’m able to do the job. Can I file? I sure can! Can I offer benefits? Absolutely! Can I conduct training? You betcha! Can I post job information for both internal and external candidates? Yes, I can! Do I have the expectation that everything can be done today? I do. Will it all be done today? No. Coming to that realization that everything will not be completed today, regardless of how small the task, is hard for a result-oriented person like myself. My motivation is driven by results. My motivation is driven by knowing what I’ve accomplished today may not have to be done again. When I do not meet my expectations, I feel unaccomplished and my motivation to do above and beyond wanes.
Learning this about myself has gotten me to think about the things I can do to be better, not only at the office, but also at home. I know I can wash dishes. I know that either washing them by hand or in the dishwasher will work. Yet knowing and doing are two different things. The motivation to do it comes when I know what I do works and I have the space and opportunity to finish it. Even still, motivation also has to come from wanting to see the job finished. Sometimes, I think this is the hold up for me. I want to see the job finished but I don’t want anything to do with how it is finished. That’s another way my self-expectation weighs me down. I expect it to be finished but I don’t want to be the one who completes it. Even when I know it’s just me to finish it, I still don’t want to do it. The best example of this is weight loss.
I’m always trying to lose weight. I’ve tried various ways of weight loss efforts to get the result I’d like but it doesn’t seem to work. Well, it does but then my motivation wears off because of the length of time it seems to take to lose it (see: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome & Me). So even if I went by the image above to gain motivation, I’d still lose it because the time it actually does take for me to lose the weight. I get down on myself and then I feel as if I’m worthless. It’s taken me a lot of self-love as well as the love of others to convince myself that I’m not worthless. It’s taken me convincing myself that my value does not equal my weight but I’m still dealing with the same issue day in and day out: being overweight. Currently my lesson to mentally deal with being overweight is to remain positive and accept yourself the way I am right now. I am learning to unabashedly and overwhelming be okay with myself regardless of how other people feel about me.
Until next time, if you’re like me and happen to be an over-expector, ease up on yourself. You can expect the world of yourself but you may render yourself worthless if you burn out because of those expectations. Strive to love yourself through your day, realizing that not all that is on your plate to accomplish will actually be finished today. You will still be fine. You still have worth for your worth is not based on your accomplishments. It never has been and never will be. Know that. Understand that. Believe that.